The Fourth area of this study - FEAR
“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27 KVJ
Are you wrestling with fear in your relationships? You don’t think so? ...that’s good, real good, but are you frustrated with the direction your relationships are going?
Let’s investigate further.
The everyday ‘fear’ sayings that I have heard:
“If I did that he would kill me!”
“I’m afraid that if I put my foot down, she will rebel more.”
“I’ve already been late twice because of my car, what if I lose my job?”
“He’s going to be so mad if dinner’s late.”
“If she doesn’t lose weight, I’m scared she will have a heart attack.”
“My stomach gets knots and my chest gets tight as soon as he gets home.”
“I’m afraid of saying something wrong.”
“What if she rejects me?”
Maybe you think these sayings are trivial…something that everyone says at one time or another. I think however, if you look closer you will see that there is a fear that goes along with these sayings. Perhaps the fear is really just a form of discomfort, yet, it still works on the emotion of fear – and that influences our behavior, our mindset and our relationships.
Where does fear live?
A year or so ago I walked into a nursing home to visit my mother. An elderly lady with dementia saw me walking in her direction. Her response was a sudden horrified expression and as I passed she reached out her hand and said “Mama… I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to be bad.” This woman was 25 years old than I, but for some reason I reminded her of her mother and the most heartbreaking thing was that she expected my wrath. She cowered and held her hands in front of her face and tears filled her eyes… “I slowed and went closer and called her by name; then I gently took her hand and said she had been a ‘good girl’ and that I loved her. She calmed but her breathing remained shallow. Her face softened and I hugged her before walking away.
In this lady in the nursing home fear lived in the back of her mind, somewhere in her memory that made her react the way she did… something had actually happened to cause her fear.
Why is fear so powerful?
I saw a lady ridiculed once because she couldn’t join her friends or her husband ‘would kill me’…she said. Did she mean that he would actually get a gun and shoot her? No, but even that remark showed the fear of confrontation. She and her husband lived together and she knew what the outcome would be if she did something that he disapproved of. In this case it would certainly be unpleasant and joining her friends wasn’t worth the problems it would cause in their home.
Fear is powerful because it dictates your behavior even when circumstances are only possible and maybe probable and yet haven’t even taken place.
Where does fear start?
A small boy of five shivered at the sight of his father arriving home. He didn’t take his eyes off his father until the ‘threat’ was out of sight. For years that child’s eyes would dart back and forth at the expectation of his father’s display of rejection and acts of ‘discipline’. His mother informed me that they lived ‘walking on eggshells’ not knowing from one moment to the next if he would be in a good mood or bad and they were always the target of his poor moods.
This sort of fear leaves an imprint, especially on a child. It is the fear of “what if’s”.
How does simple fear grow into crippling fear?
How a child overcomes his fears will depend on who walks along side and guides him… It will depend on the security and love of those around him, as well as Biblical instruction. What about the adults who cannot seem to outgrow the fear in their lives? When irrational fear becomes obsessive it is crippling…even when nothing happens or when the fear is manifested in the mind. The more we rely on people instead of God and the more we look to things and self, the more we open ourselves up to trepidation. Fear keeps us from stepping out in faith and trusting God. Fear convinces us that we can’t…
Where does God come in?
Sometimes fear causes us to hide –
If we look at some examples in the Bible you will find fear to be part of our make up all the way back to Adam and Eve in the garden. After Adam and Eve succumbed to the temptation of eating the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil…God came to see them. They ran and hid...remember? Gen. 3:10 -After hearing God call to him, Adam said “I heard thy voice in the garden and I was afraid…” (KJV)
Now ask yourself: Was Adam ‘afraid’ that God would hate him, kill him, or be disappointed in him??? What was Adam afraid of? We know that God didn’t hate him and He didn’t kill him but there were consequences. Surely God was disappointed but hardly surprised.
So then -fear is nothing new, but people deal with it in different ways and it always affects our relationships as it did with Adam, Eve and God. No longer were they entrusted to the garden but were sent out of that perfect place.
Sometimes fear causes us to run-
Fear shows up where there is no confidence yet to a believer, confidence should be the one thing that sets apart. We are robbed of our peace and joy when we allow fear to rule in our lives and running away from a confrontation or our responsibilities seems to be a normal way of life to many people. However, running is not the answer. *By running away you are saying that even God cannot help you in your circumstances. Every morning you need to renew your love relationship with God. Talk to Him and relate with him your situations and needs so that you have the confidence of Christ throughout the day. Do you really think God wants you to walk in fear every day? …Think about this: II Timothy 1:7 God has not given us the spirit of fear (timidity); but of power, and love and a sound mind (self discipline). So then…where does fear come from? It doesn’t come from God…but power and soundness of mind does. We can rely on Him and his wisdom. Have you asked for his wisdom in your circumstances?
*Running from physical danger is a different thing altogether and falls under the protection of God. It takes common sense and discernment, wisdom from God and his word to know when to escape someone or something dangerous to you or your family. It doesn’t take second guessing and each person’s experiences are different.
There are other fears:
Moses did not want to be God’s spokesman…he was afraid of humiliation because he did not speak well as well as not having credibility to the people. God had to remind him that it was He who created Moses and his mouth, yet after sharing his fear with God, his brother Aaron was appointed as spokesman to His people. (Exodus 4:11-16)
What was Joshua afraid of? …it may have been failure since he was required to follow in the footsteps of Moses. God however never said it would be easy but He did say he would not be alone. God would be with him every step of the way. In Exodus 1:9 God instructs Joshua to be strong and courageous; do not be discouraged or afraid because he would not do the work of the Lord alone.
It is no different for the believer today. We may not have to pick up a wooden or metal shield to protect us from the blows of an enemy but we should be picking up the shield of faith and the sword of the Spirit (the Word of God) in order to stand against the blows of THE Enemy.
If you are living from one fearful moment to another you need to ask yourself if your trust is in the almighty loving God or in the world and its ways. Yes, God is to be revered and feared for He has the power over all happenings and incidents but He says to the believer… [Thus says the Lord, your redeemer, the Holy One of Israel]; “I am the Lord your God which teaches you to profit (teaches you what is best for you), which leads you by the way that you should go.” Isaiah 48:17
When you search the scriptures and read of all the ways that Jesus taught, encouraged and inspired the disciples to be strong and courageous you will find that he also taught them to use wisdom and compassion and love. The attributes of the Savior are available to each one of us and should not be spared. Learning to love those who are cruel or impatient with you is a great ability that honors God. I would hope that you also remember though, that we are often seen as the offenders and we need to repent of such behavior.
When our relationship with God is strong; when we can say sincerely that we love God – that’s when we will find that we are over comers during times of adversity.
Sometimes we feel unloved… but we aren’t. Henry Blackaby puts it this way – “To be loved by God is the highest relationship, the highest achievement, and the highest position in life.” **
** From Experiencing God Henry T. Blackaby & Claude V. King
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